How Debt Will Ruin Your Sex Life
Photo Credit: Emilio Jiménez
I was at dinner with two female entrepreneurial rock stars discussing our favorite topics: business and money. One mentioned if you owed money to people it was a sign of your character. I sat there silent with my all too familiar shame, wondering if I would be found out. I took a big gulp of wine. Still more silence. You see, I am that person my friend was talking about. I owe a lot. $145,552.87 to be exact.
No one drowns in debt. You drown in your shame about debt.
In her book Daring Greatly, Dr. Brené Brown defines shame as ‘the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.’
My brilliant friend started her business with plenty of savings and successfully practiced lean start-up principles. I did not. Embarrassed, my shame tape, a mantra of self-criticism, doubt and fear, played over and over in my head. “You are a terrible business owner,” and “No way are you good enough.” Being afraid of being judged and branded a dead beat, I rarely talked about the problems I was having launching my venture. What I know now is that what you don’t shine a light on will control you. I am tired of my dirty little secret controlling me.
Living in shame around debt makes you smaller and wastes lots of energy. The worrying, the mental acrobatics over figures, lying awake at 3 am. The heaviness of shame kept me awkward in inaction and resulted in lost opportunities. I became increasingly stuck in perfectionism and too ashamed to ask for help when times were dire. On the outside I am the beacon of calm, but on the inside, I was full of self-inflicted rage.
As startup founders we perpetuate the power of shame by grinning and bearing our struggles. When asked how you or your business is doing, how many times have you actually said the plain truth? At times I am enthused and committed to my purpose and other days I am terrified. No one wants to give color to the obvious: having a business is incredibly hard and at times it will suck. Bad. Creating something in the world peels your heart and guts like an onion. It reveals every bad habit you have and everything you are bad at.
At House of Plume, we believe shame has no place in the pursuit of pleasure. I talk to a lot of women about shame around sex all the time. I created our storage products because of the embarrassment and shame around owning sex toys. And yet, I have never connected my shame around debt to sexual power. It makes complete sense why I hadn’t had sex in almost a year (I know, the cobbler has no shoes).
Shame blocks you from being vulnerable and authentic and the interplay of the two makes for the best sex.
On dates, I reminisced about the places I traveled to and when asked where I was going next, I would change the subject. Guys inferred from my nice clothes and gentrified address that I was doing well and I didn’t deny it. I dated guys who I considered low hanging fruit. I tried convincing them and myself that I was into them. I stopped being flirty (I have game when I want to). I embraced being Ms. Emotionally Unavailable because I was alluring to men who enjoyed a challenge. I felt sexually powerful until I started to attract men who were just as unavailable. There were the guys who convinced me for months that it made sense to date exclusively and not be in a committed relationship (apparently that is a thing now). A low point came when a married guy who I dangerously flirted with wanted to have sex. With his ring on.
Being sexually powerful starts with being real about where you are with who you are with. You can’t make authentic connections with shame in the mix. True power that is transformative comes from first getting real with yourself and others. I have had conversations with friends and family about where I am and how I feel. No one has ever said the things I have said about myself. Quite the opposite. I am more empowered and confident. And the boys have noticed.
Once you remove the shame, there is so much room to create whatever you want. This is my goodbye letter to my shame over debt. The truth is I am pretty badass — I created the first adult brand approved by Kickstarter, I have posed nude and walked across hot coals (twice), to name a few examples. And I have $145,552.87 in debt. So what and now what? The world has enough shame and self-pity. In these times of palatable instability, the world needs me to show up as powerful as I can be.