A lone wolf’s guide to creating a support system

May 12

When you are going through a difficult time, days and nights and then weeks meld together to one long day where you vaguely remember changing your underwear. All of a sudden my father was bedbound, needed 24 hour care and I knew very little about how to handle this. Everything was new, raw and foreign to me.

In the perfect world a need would pop in your head and you would get it delivered instantly, Jetson style. I wanted someone to know exactly what I needed without the effort of having to say it.

I was initially disappointed with certain people who I thought would be supportive because of the nature of our relationship. As juvenile as it seems, I was angry people weren’t giving me exactly what I wanted in the exact moment I needed it.

For some, their sudden lack of presence angered me like “You call me about BS on the group chat, but you can’t check in with me? Bet.”

There is nothing like a difficult time to show you the substance of your relationships and asking for support reveals its strength. Relationships worth investing in are those that can withstand your human mess (not you being messy — big difference). How people respond to your request for support shows how much (or little) they value the relationship. I learned not to make this mean anything about my self worth. It’s just the Universe revealing what I need to know to make informed choices.

Tips for Creating a Support System

We are still in a pandemi. Just about everyone is still being impacted with the added pressures of trying to figure out life out now, especially those with families. Don’t assume people read or remember your Facebook status about what’s going on. Reach out to a few people and say something like ‘You may have a lot going on right now, but I wanted to let you know X is going on with me.’ You never know who has dealt with your situation. Do not take it personal if they can not provide support; respect their bandwidth for what they can handle.

Nominate a communication czar. In the case of profound life changes like death or illness, so much communication needs to get delivered. If you are not great with following up with phone calls and don’t know why you still have voicemail (insert me), it may work to put someone else in charge of filtering out messages. My father has 10 siblings, some of which I do not know well. One of my aunts is the informal point person for the family, a role she is a natural at.

Keep a list of who said they would support and how. Being tired and trying to problem solve is just another problem. Having a list you can go to keeps you from trying to remember who said what. People genuinely want to help so don’t be afraid to take them up on their offer.

Types of Support

After seeing how and who showed up I noticed a pattern: People provide support according to their strengths and the resources readily available to them. Much research has been done on the different types that are professionally called ‘social support.’ However, the below is based upon my personal experience.

Tangible: support in the form of acts of service or financial contribution. These are people who want to provide something tangible or tactical to support you like helping you problem solve or buying something you request. They may be short on time or emotional bandwidth. I find more men than women provide this type of support.

Emotional: These are people who you can call to vent or ask for feedback on your viewpoint. They are great listeners and may have had experience with what you are dealing with. They make me feel witnessed. Be clear on what you would like to receive in these interactions; if you don’t want coaching, say so upfront.

Informational: These people can find anything on Al Gore’s internet. This is the same person that knows how to do social media background checks (every crew needs one). This is the person is your go-to for recommendations or items that needs lots of research.

Be wary of crossing support lines.

Don’t call the person who has provided financial support to vent, unless you know you can expect this from them. It’s like wanting to talk about your relationship with your guy during an NBA finals game. People offer what they can do and where their strengths lie. Respecting their strengths allows the person to feel appreciated and show up in their Sunday best.

For a recovering lone wolf, creating a support system has been a fascinating and spiritual experience. There is no way around that human beings thrive in community and nothing else can deliver that message home than difficult times.

Lidia Bonilla